


Those Dark Thoughts

by Whiteghost37



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of eating bugs, Other, Possible Spoilers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24376654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiteghost37/pseuds/Whiteghost37
Summary: Remus is summoned to a discussion. But he quickly realizes he isn't there because they want him there. When he sinks out the intrusive thoughts start.Rash decisions are made.Now with a second chapter, for more angst...(Mind the tags please.)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

When Remus was summoned he was confused. He had never been summoned before, and it was incredibly jarring suddenly being somewhere else with people (well, sides and Thomas) staring at him.

“Right, clock’s ticking. We need ideas people!” Thomas exclaimed, clapping his hands together and staring at them all.

Remus blinked as expectant looks were directed at him and he looked around, wondering if there was something behind him.

“Remus, focus! We need to come up with some new content for Thomas,” Virgil snapped his fingers to make Remus focus.

For a moment Remus wondered if he was in some kind of alternate universe where he was the main creativity, because he couldn’t see Roman anywhere and everyone were relying on him to think of something.  
He didn’t care what the reason was. They wanted him here! So, with a manic grin on his face, he started spouting off ideas.

* * *

When Roman was in full creative control it was called “daydream mode”, for Remus it was apparently called “nightmare mode”, but he wasn’t the one who had come up with the name.

He was just debating with Logan about how trying to eat bugs would make a great “Awkward adventures” episode. Logan seemed fascinated by the idea and remarked that insects were a delicacy in a lot of cultures. Virgil pointed out that a lot of Thomas’ friends were vegetarian or vegan. Remus pouted slightly and was just about to come up with another idea when there was a _whoosh_ and he was pushed slightly to the side as Roman rose up.

“I’m back, did you miss me?!” Roman exclaimed as he assumed his usual, dramatic pose.

“Roman!” Thomas squealed.

Patton rushed over to give Roman a hug and Roman laughed. Remus felt his heart sinking. That’s right, Roman had been recovering from a misadventure in the imagination and had to rest. That was apparently why he had been summoned. They didn’t actually _want_ him there.

With an unsettling grin he said.

“Well, I’ve warmed them up for you bro. Go nuts!”

Then he sunk out.

* * *

“Fuck!”

Remus punched the wall in front of him, tears pouring down his cheeks. Why the hell had he gotten his hopes up? How the fuck did he even dare to believe that they actually wanted him?

He sunk to the ground.

He was such a fucking idiot. Of course he wasn’t wanted. Even Janus had stopped visiting him after being accepted by “the light sides”. Why would someone willingly hang out with him when they had the choice between him and his perfect brother?

He was so tired.

He’d never be good enough. They’d always be grossed out or scared by him. He’d never be welcomed by them. He’d always be second best, if even that. The last resort. The spare. The reject.

What was even the point?

There was a _whoosh_ and there was someone in his room.

“Dude, what the fuck? You just left in the middle of everything! And now your anxiety summoned me? What’s up?”

Remus had stiffened at Virgil’s voice, glad his back was to the anxious side so Virgil couldn’t see the tears on his face. He couldn’t deal with this.

He fled.

* * *

Remus’ side of the imagination was full of disturbing objects and creatures. In a special dungeon he had designed was a cell full of weapons. Weapons he’d used on a lot of things, including himself for fun.  
He wondered if they could actually kill him if his intent whilst using them wasn’t “for fun”.

Picking up a sleek gun off the ground he loaded it with silver bullets. He closed his eyes and placed the barrel against his temple.

There was a shriek and suddenly the gun wasn’t in his hand anymore. He opened his eyes, startled to find himself in Thomas’ living room once more. Everyone was staring at him, wide-eyed and pale. He stared back.

“What the fuck Remus?!” he had never heard Roman’s voice so shrill before.

Remus laughed.

“Oh, your faces. Like you actually thought I would… Honestly, you should know by now that most of the things I do is for shits and giggles. I was just curious what a bullet to the brain would feel like. Now…”

“Lies!” Janus hissed, he looked furious.

Remus balled his hands into fists. He could feel tears gather in his eyes and he refused to let them fall.

“Leave me alone!” he snarled.

As he went to sink out he was incredibly surprised when nothing happened. The others were advancing on him, looking more serious than he had ever seen them. He still couldn’t sink out and found himself cornered. The tears in his eyes started falling without his consent. Someone grabbed his wrist.

“Right, I think we need to talk.”

* * *

Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling. Then a lot of crying. Remus found himself bawling on the floor, wrapped in Patton and Janus’ arms. Then Roman grabbed him and refused to let go of him for about an hour.

Apparently, the reason Janus hadn’t visited in a while was because Remus’ room had a tendency to move about, a feature he had installed whilst sleep-deprived and on a caffeine high. He had completely forgotten about that.  
The others had tried to visit as well, but Logan, Patton and Roman had become completely lost in the “dark side” of the mindscape, and Virgil’s anxious thoughts kept him from going too far in there.

No one wanted him gone. No one saw him as “the reject” or a spare. They wanted him.

Of course, it took some time for Remus to believe this. It took some time for everything to fall into place, for things to settle. The mindscape merged. No one wanted Remus out of their sights for a while, which felt good in a way, safe, but also incredibly frustrating at times. He was also banned from sharp objects and anything that could be used as a weapon for a while. That was just annoying, and he hadn’t even known Patton, Logan and Roman could work together to stop him from summoning certain objects, anytime he’d tried a pop-up box had appeared with the word “Blocked” in it. He had to admit that was kind of impressive, though still annoying.

Remus still had bad days. But the difference was that he was never left alone with his thoughts on those days, and if he tried to distance himself he was snuggled into submission by Patton.

He was doing better. Everyone was doing better. They were all going to be fine.


	2. The discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The discussion that the sides have with Remus after they caught him with the gun. There's angst and some comfort.  
> Warnings for: Suicidal ideation. Self-deprecation. Angst. Some language. Janus makes a brief threat.
> 
> Hope you like it.

* * *

As it turned out it was Logan who had grabbed his wrist, and on his command they were all suddenly in the the “light” sides’ living room in the mindscape. There were a lot of raised voices, but Remus didn’t bother with listening, it didn’t feel worth the effort.

The grip on his wrist loosened, but when he tried to sink out the grip tightened once more. Everyone was still yelling, demanding answers from him. The tears that had fallen before had dried up. Now he just felt more and more tired as the minutes passed, but he realized he couldn’t get out of this without telling them something.

* * *

Remus was sitting in the only armchair in the room, he was sitting sideways with his knees against his chin and glaring stubbornly at his toes. He could sense the others’ gazes at him but refused to acknowledge them. They were silent now, and Remus didn’t know what to say.  
Eventually one of them spoke up.

“Why would you do something like that?”

Remus scoffed in response.

“Take three guesses Sherlock.”

“Remus… We can’t help you if you don’t talk to us.”

Gritting his teeth he turned towards them, glaring fiercely:

“Oh, stop with the pretense already! All this caring, touchy-feely bullshit is just a façade. Don’t you think I know how you feel about me? Hell, the only reason you acknowledge my existence is because this one’s mental health took a nosedive.” He spat, gesturing at Thomas. “Without that I’d still be lurking in the subconscious, being the monster in the closet. God damnit, I was only summoned today because prince perfect over there…” he gestured at Roman, by now he was pacing and gesturing wildly. “was out of commission. If he hadn’t been I’d never even entered your mind. And why would it.” He laughed mirthlessly, tears started running down his cheeks. “When you have the best of the best why would you need the defective brother, the spare, the reject? Why even entertain those crazy thoughts when you can have sunshine and rainbows?”

He hadn’t noticed himself sinking to the floor, but his legs felt like rubber so he didn’t bother trying to stand as he continued his spiel. The tears were now pouring, and he was again staring at his toes.

“It would be better for all of us if I was gone. You could just ignore me as you’ve always done and you won’t even notice when I leave. I can disappear quietly, and you can go about your business as usual. It really would be…”

“Shut. The fuck. Up!”

Arms wrapped around him, three pairs, constricting him. Another pair wrapped around him from the opposite side. Janus was growling lowly in his throat, a bad sign. Patton was sniffling into Remus’ neck.

“Now you listen to me Remus Creativity Sanders. You are not, in any way, a spare. You are as valid as anyone else here and I will not have you talk about yourself that way. If you do, I will turn you across my knee and you won’t like it… You have a unique perspective on any situation, and quite frankly Roman’s more flowery ideas get boring without you to put a spin on them.”

“We have _never_ wanted you to stop existing. You… you are incredible in your own way and I will do my… my darn best to prove it to you,” Patton sniffled, speaking between sobs.

Remus found himself sobbing as much as Patton, there were so many conflicting emotions in him right now but being wrapped in their arms made things seem a bit better.

As he calmed down slightly, he was suddenly ripped from the embrace, he could hear Janus hiss in protest, and found himself tucked into Roman’s chest.

“Remus you dumb fuck. You scared the shit out of me. I will bar you from the imagination and vanish all your weapons so you never can pull something like this again. And if you keep talking shit about yourself I’ll… I’ll…” Roman’s voice trailed off and Remus heard a small sob. But when he tried to look at his brother’s face Roman’s grip on him tightened.

Somehow the brothers were moved so they were lying on the couch, Roman’s hold never easing up. The other sides and Thomas crowded around the couch and murmured reassurances, patting him slightly and gave him more attention than he’d ever had before.

Remus could feel a faint hope stirring in his chest. Maybe things were looking up. Maybe this was a turning point. Maybe…

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've added a chapter to a fanfic. This idea just wouldn't leave me so... here you go.  
> The first chapter was something I wrote in an hour, I challenged myself to do so. And this second chapter was mostly an excuse to try my new keyboard, and I wanted to write it.  
> Anyway... Hope you liked it!


End file.
